


Transience

by Squashinyourbag



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Cigarettes, Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Tragedy, big sad, care aid! Hange, halp, old man! Erwin, volunteer! Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27641561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squashinyourbag/pseuds/Squashinyourbag
Summary: Transiencen. the state or fact of lasting only for a short time; transitory nature.“Thank you, Levi.”As those words leave Erwin’s lips, Levi remembers.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	Transience

**Author's Note:**

> for #eruriweek2020 Day 6 - “Levi, Thank you”
> 
> Modern au/ Reincarnation au. Tragedy.  
> Warnings: character death (old age), depression, (implied) alcohol, cigarette, and recreational drug abuse. 
> 
> My brain is weird for coming up with this because I believed for the longest time I can’t write sad. But here have some sad anyway.
> 
> (Unbeta’ed, no time ;-;)

The sound of heavy bass filters out through Levi’s headphones as he reaches the entrance of the care home. He hates volunteering in this place, with the staff not really caring about the residents (except for that weird care aide named Hange... at least they seem to be genuinely concerned for the couple they always bring to go and do exercises with the physio) and the other volunteers are annoying him to hell. But unfortunately he has no choice but to do it as he needs it as a requirement for university. If he wants to get in the program, he’s just gotta bear with it just for a while.

At least for today he’s thankful he’s not going to go do some work with the other volunteers because the coordinator asked him if he could teach one of the residents to use a laptop and a smartphone (that presumably one of their relatives left them). Of course he’s gonna do it to rack up on more volunteer hours, but he figured the old people could use some help in figuring out technology. As long as they don’t ask him how to search for porn, he should be fine.

He goes to log his time in and look at the email he got. A Mr. Erwin Smith in room 306. Time to put on a (fake) smile and head up. 

He greets Hange at the break room (and narrowly avoided a hug from them) and goes to the assigned room... and was greeted by an empty bed. 

“What the fuck—!? Does no one care about people ‘round here?” He internally facepalms and grumbles when a hand taps his shoulder, making him jump.

“Hello Levi, are you looking for Erwin? He’s flirting with the ladies at the dining area.” One of the residents named Mike laughed at him when he saw Levi’s dumbfounded face.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks Mike, I’ll see you at exercise class next week.” Levi waved at the old man and went to the dining area.

He sees a swarm of old ladies huddled around an old man. Yep, must be the infamous Erwin Smith.

“Hello Erwin? Uh, I’m the who’ll be teaching you to use your computer?” Levi tried to speak over the high-pitched giggling.

He sees the older man stare at him for a bit then finally says, “Oh! You must be Lester! I’m sorry I was not in my room, these lovely ladies can’t help but ask for my stories after lunch.” He grabs his walker and heads towards the volunteer.

“That’s okay. Also, my name’s Levi, not Lester. But it’s nice to meet you Erwin. I’ll help you walk to your room?” He says as he tries to support Erwin.

“Likewise Levi. Okay ladies, we’ll continue after my lessons, okay? Don’t miss me too much!” He says as the ladies lets out sounds of disappointment.

“Woah, I didn’t know my student’s popular with the ladies.” Levi chuckles when they reach the room and get Erwin to sit down by the wheeled desk each resident is provided with.

Erwin winks at him. “What can I say? When I was your age young man, they used to call me ‘pretty boy’ a lot, not much nowadays though.” The volunteer actually believes it; even as an old man, Erwin retained his attractive features. He definitely was good-looking when he was younger and even now, considering his old age.

“Alright my handsome student! Let’s start our lessons. What do you wanna know about using these two?”

————————————————————————

Levi thought teaching Erwin was gonna be a real test of patience, but it’s going better than he thought it would be. Sure, Erwin was a bit slow at times when he gives instructions (he almost got caught zoning out a few times) and he needs to give him time writing out the steps in his tiny notebook (that Levi eventually ends up doing for him “you have really pretty handwriting, can you write it down for me?” Erwin said at one point) and actually doing it, but he is a quick learner and would catch up to what he says better than the average technologically-illiterate old person. 

After teaching him how to operate and go about the computer interface and writing an email (Erwin’s two main concerns), the old man decided to call it a day for now.

“Thank you very much for teaching and being patient with me. I hope you won’t get tired looking after this silly ol’ man.” Erwin says as he puts his electronic devices inside his tiny drawer. 

“Oh it’s not a problem at all Erwin, just let your care aide know when you want me to bug you again.” He replied as he stood up.

“You’re a kind boy, Mike is right. He always tells me how you always help him in exercise class. Just between the two of us, he can be really forgetful a lot of times. But he never forgets how nice you are. You’re also pretty like your handwriting.” Erwin tells him and winks again (the audacity!).

“…Are you hitting on me old fart?” He can’t help but let that remark slip out of his mouth. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. He cursed himself silently for being a dumbass. “Sh- shoot, I’m sorry Erwin, I didn’t mean to say that I swear!” He said nervously, but the old man just laughs in response.

“It’s all good Linus! I went out of line, I apologize for that. I promise that will not happen again. I hope you can forgive me for my rude remark.” 

“No harm done, I was just caught off guard is all. I’ll see you next time Erwin.” He hurriedly said as he left the room. “By the way, it’s LEVI!”

Welp, that was awkward. He hopes his next session won’t be as awkward.

__________________________________________________________

The next one was luckily better than the first one. Erwin is just as cheerful and friendly (but not being too overly friendly), and they surfed the internet just fine (no porn included, thank fuck). Erwin wanted to find out how to read the news and go do some basic browser searching and more emailing. He also showed how to do it from his phone.

“And you know what would be fun? Having some games on your phone so you won’t get bored! Just don’t tell anyone I downloaded it for you, heh.” He whispered and chuckled while Erwin giggled like they were planning some evil scheme,

“Sounds great Lawson! what do you suggest?” Erwin looks like an old but very happy golden retriever just at the mention of mobile games.

“Ugh ol’ man it’s Levi. Anyway, I’ll show you some and tell me if it’s something you’ll like.” In the end he downloaded Candy Crush, a tetris-looking game and Words with Friends. They played for a bit so Erwin knows how to play and navigate the games before Levi leaves.

“That was really fun Levi, I’m really grateful again for spending time teaching me and getting these games for me. I was worried I scared you last time so I’m glad we’re on good terms.” The older was anxiously rubbing the back of his neck.

“Forget about it Erwin, it’s all good. I’m glad you’re having fun somehow. I really suck at teaching ‘cause I’m short-tempered but as long as you get better at using your laptop and phone, I’m glad to help. And hey you finally remember my name!” He excitedly announced. 

“I was just bugging you haha. I know your name Levi. Well, I’ll see you next week!” Erwin waved cheerfully at him.

___________________________________________________________

After a couple sessions, Erwin feels more confident with his skills, so they finish earlier and just goof around with the devices or do something else. This time, Erwin wanted to show off to Levi by playing chess with some of the other residents.

“Oh Levi, this guy’s just beating us every day like it’s nothing so you better watch out if he challenges you to a game!” Nanaba, one of the residents, exclaimed.

“Oh don’t worry Nana, I’ll go easy on him.” Levi replied, earning him a laugh from the residents and Erwin himself. They did try to play a couple matches but he lost all of them.

“Told you, he’s really smarter than he lets on.” One of them said to a sulking Levi.

“Wow, you’re handsome AND smart!? No wonder you’re popular.” He said to Erwin, the old man bashfully laughed. He was about to say something but he was interrupted by Hange.

“Erwin! It’s almost time for your mini-outing! You should prepare to leave soon. Oh heya Levi! You wanna join us? I can message your coordinator real quick if you wanna.” Hange said while trying to walk Erwin back to his room (to the disappointment of the group).

“Sure, why not.” Sounds fun, He shrugged.

“Are you sure Levi? The lecture ended a while ago so you’re free to leave if you want to.” Erwin said while he furrowed his grey bushy eyebrows.

“Yeah, it’s cool. I’ve got nothing to do anyway.” They both helped Erwin get ready.

______________________________________________________________

The residents’ “mini-outings” consists of going to the grocery store to buy some essentials (and sometimes snacks, as long as the nurses don’t find their secret stash) and mostly eating outside to escape the bland care home food. If they get permission from the admin office, sometimes they can go to the park as a large group and just have a fun time.

“Erwin! You gotta cut down on those potato chips, they’re no good for you.” Hange sternly warned the older man as he tries to get a couple from the snack aisle.

“Please Hange? I promise I won’t eat all of them in one sitting.” Levi almost laughs so hard at the scene, he sees Erwin’s pleading face like a five-year old child asking for candy.

“…Hmph, fine. But only one bag no more!” They warned him before conceding.

“Ya gotta help Hange out Erwin, only one bag.” Levi said while trying not to laugh.

“Okay okay just one bag.” He said as he tried to sneak another one in the basket. Levi tsks and grabs it from him.

“Don’t be stubborn old fart Hange might revoke your chip privileges.”

“What Levi said Erwin! Ya better listen to him, he’s darn right about that.” Then he sees Erwin pout!

“…Alright. Just one.” Levi just feels bad but he knows it for the old man’s good.

“Hey cheer up Erwin, if you behave we might get McDonalds later.” He’d never seen someone’s eyes light up like a child getting a present for Christmas like that.

“Okay! I’ll definitely behave! Hange, is what Levi said just true!?”

“Tsk. Yes, we can get McDonalds after if you be a good Erwy okay?” They sighed and went to the next aisle. They sure do need a raise for doing this everyday.

___________________________________________________________

Levi looks half in fondness and half in amusement as he watches an old man happily munch on a piece of chicken nugget.

“Didn’t know you’re a fan of chicken nuggets, I’ll sneak you some when after my exercise class next week.” Levi said when Hange left to go to the washroom.

“You really don’t have to but that would be amazing!” Erwin replies after he swallows his food.

“Haha I’m getting mixed signals here ol’ man. Anyway, what’s so great about chicken nuggets? They’re not bad but they’re not great so what’s the deal?”  
“You know Levi, when you get older you’ll realize you’d take a lot of things for granted so even the simplest things can make you happy.” Erwin said while looking out the window, seemingly lost in thought.”

“That’s fair…”

“Hey, I just remembered! You flirted with me back when we were playing chess! That’s not fair.” Erwin suddenly said and stared at him, his blue eyes reflecting the sunlight.

“Huh, what’d I do?” The younger asked, confused.  
“You called me handsome and smart!” Erwin confidently replied.

“Aww come on, I was giving you a compliment!” He laughed as the older sulks.

“Fine, well I appreciate the compliment. You make an old man like me feel better.” Erwin dramatically announces, putting his heart on his chest as emphasis.

“It’s true though, so cheer up now and let’s eat some more nuggets, okay?”

___________________________________________________________

“Thanks for joining us Levi! And Erwin, say thank you to Levi.” Hange instructs Erwin as if she’s talking to a child and not a smart man who can beat everyone’s asses in a chess game.

“I had so much fun, thank you very much!” He said as he ruffles the shorter’s hair.

“Aww, you’re welcome Erwin. So I’ll see you next week?”

“See you next week!”

___________________________________________________________

“Sorry Levi, Erwin just cancelled his computer lecture with you today.”

“Wha—Why? Is he constipated or something?” Unless the old fart’s a really good actor, he seems really enjoying spending time with the lessons and their mini outings, so it’s not because he’s not interested anymore for sure, Levi thought.

The volunteer coordinator laughed. “No, he actually wanted to give up his chess time just to do the lessons with you. He doesn’t feel well. I’ll email you when he feels better, okay? You’re free to go, have a good day!” The coordinator replied. Levi just sighed and left the office.

He feels bad for the old guy. Somehow, Erwin is really likeable, and he enjoys spending time with him (no wonder the old ladies love to flirt with him). If Erwin was his age he’d absolutey say “yes” to being friends with him (or more?), Levi thinks as he grabs his stuff and hangs his ID back on the cork board.  
Wait, I could check up on him! He suddenly thought as he chucks his backpack back in the locker and grabbed his ID. He hastily goes up Erwin’s room (while avoiding the admin office), taking the stairs two steps at a time. 

He goes inside and is greeted by a coughing Erwin on his bed, looking very fragile. He sees the younger and perks up.

“Leopold, you’re here! I thought they told you I cancelled for today.” He said, surprised.

“Yeah they did. I just wanted to check up on my favourite student since I heard you don’t feel good. And stop making fun of me old fart, I know you know my name.” He said as he sits right beside Erwin’s bed. 

“Oh that’s very nice of you Levi, thank you very much! Haha, I can’t help it, I’m so glad that I still get to see you even though we don’t have a lecture today. I’m just feeling a little bit under the weather, that’s all. I’ll try to feel better soon so we can play more of that words with friends game, that one’s really fun...” Erwin said before he got interrupted with another hacking cough.

“You okay there? I won’t bother you any longer so you can get some rest. You take care of yourself and I’ll try to visit you often. I’ll see you later Erwin.” He stood up and waved good bye to the older man.

—————————————————-

Unfortunately, their lectures are becoming less frequent over the months because Erwin’s condition hasn’t improved very much but Levi still makes it a point to visit Erwin after exercise class or when Hange’s around and he has free time. The older man feels really grateful to Levi but at the same time he feels bad for eating up a lot of the younger’s time, since they’re not even related at all, plus he should be preparing to go to university instead of hanging out with an old guy who’s just a burden.

“Don’t say that Erwin! You are NOT a burden. Also I’m here to get some volunteer hours remember? So it’s not like you’re not helping me.” Levi pouts as he sits down right his spot beside Erwin’s bed.

Erwin chuckles, finding Levi being a grump cute. “I know your exercise class gets you hours, but not when you visit me after.” 

“Well. I visit you because I want to okay? I like spending time with you. Maybe you’re getting tired of hanging around with a grumpy person like me.” Levi fakes being over dramatically sad and Erwin laughs.

“I thought it was the opposite actually, you should spend time with people younger than me! I’m just a silly old man you know?” Erwin replied jokingly but Levi didn’t appreciate it.

“I don’t like hanging ‘round with people my age, they’re all annoying. You’re cool for an old man, stop with the self-depreciation. I’d rather hang out with you.” Erwin smiled. He’s really glad Levi is such a nice kid. Too nice sometimes.

“Okay okay, I won’t say that again. I really appreciate that you take the time to visit me Levi.” He reaches out his hand for a handshake but Levi doesn’t let it go after they do. 

The volunteer sighs deeply. “Take care of yourself and don’t make me worry more, okay? We’ll go on an outing when you get well. Maybe if we’re lucky we can escape from Hange and go on a road trip with my car!” Levi says sneakily making Erwin chuckle more. 

“I don’t know if we’ll survive if Hange finds out, but I’ll still go with you!” Erwin beams and ruffles Levi’s hair. 

___________________________

Levi’s typing in a cafe when he gets a call from Hange.

“Levi, don’t freak out but I just wanted to let you know Erwin got rushed to the hospital.” His heart dropped at their words.

“What happened!? Is he okay!? Which hospital is it!?” He said quickly, shutting his laptop down and preparing to leave.

“He’s fine now, that’s why I told you to not freak out. Unfortunately I can’t tell which hospital he’s in. I’m actually not even supposed to tell you this information. What I can do is pass your number to Erwin’s relatives so if Erwin decides you can visit, they can reach out to you.” Hange says carefully, trying not to agitate the younger. Levi tries to calm down. Hange went out their way to tell him that.

“Okay that’s fine. Just. Please update me.” He pleads, hoping Erwin’s alright.

“I’ll do my best Levi. Thanks for understanding. I’ll talk to you later.” Hange said as they hang up. Levi feels on edge. He decide his application papers can wait as he waits for news or Erwin’s relatives to call him.

He’s only smoked once or twice after he graduated high school (the pressure of pursuing post-secondary to find a better job got to him), but now he feels he could a whole pack because he is totally stressed right now. He buys a lighter and a pack at the convenience store and tries not to think about the situation (and fails). 

___________________________

He gets a call from an unknown number the next day.

“Hello, is this Levi Ackerman? My name is Armin, I’m Erwin’s nephew.” Levi recognizes the voice. It’s probably the guy who sometimes visit Erwin with a couple of friends and the guy Erwin emails. He even showed him one or two pictures on his phone along with his twin sister Christa.

“Yes that’s me. Is he alright?” He asked, worried.

“Yes, he’s awake and resting right now. He actually asked to see you. Are you free next week by any chance? That’s when the doctor said he’ll be well enough to see visitors.” 

“Oh yeah, just lemme know when. I’m free anytime.”

“Sounds good, I’ll let uncle Erwin know you can visit. I’m sure he’ll be happy when he hears you’ll visit him. He always emails and messages me about you all the time.”

“Oh. I hope he said good things?” Levi tries to joke but cringes at his tone.

“Yeah! I always hear good things about you don’t worry. Um, I actually wanted to thank you for always visiting uncle and stuff. I try my best to visit him but I’ve been busy recently. So thank you very much, I really appreciate it.” 

“Don’t worry about it. Your uncle’s a funny guy so it’s nice to teach stuff to a guy like him.”

“No I really am grateful! Anyway, I’ll message you when you can visit.”

“Alright, thank you Armin.”

__________________________________

Knock. “Hello, it’s me Levi.” The door opens. Armin greets him and introduces him to Christa. She’s a very nice and sweet girl and equally as polite as Armin and they go outside to give him and Erwin some space.

“Hey old fart, how are you feeling?” He whispered when he sees Erwin’s eye open.

“Le...Levi?” The older croaked while trying to get up.

“It’s okay Erwin, just lie down don’t strain yourself. I can still see your handsome face from here don’t cha worry.” Erwin laughed but it ended up sounding like a painful wheeze.

“Sorry you had to see me like this Levi, but I appreciate you coming to visit me even though you really didn’t have to.” He smiled sadly.

“I already told you a million times, it’s okay because I would want to anyway?” He said, frustrated at Erwin. He truly just wants to do what he does because he cares, why can he not see that?

Erwin smiles, more genuine this time. “I cannot express how much you made all these past couple months better for me. I’m so happy I met and got to know you. Levi, thank you.”

____________________________________

“Levi, thank you.”

As those words leave Erwin’s lips, Levi remembers.

He remembers filth and the rotting stench of death of the underground. He remembers the feeling of just trying to survive and not starving. He remembers the feeling of flying. 

He remembers giant beings who could devour him at any moment. He remembers the despair and grief of people inside humongous walls. 

He remembers people, who at first were wary of his “pleasing” personality, eventually warmed up to him (or was it the other way around?) and made living in that hell easier.

He remembers blue eyes. He remembers that he loved looking at them until unfortunate circumstances took them away. He remembers feeling nothing after that, just living his life just to hold on to that one promise that he admittedly did not let go; either he fulfills it or he dies trying. He remembers the hole in his chest when he realized that he wasn’t even able to say what he wanted to tell him after finding that fucking basement.

He remembers the same exact words spoken to him by the very same man who is now lying on his deathbed. And he very clearly remembers the feeling of having a hole in a chest because the same thing is happening again, although in a slightly different scenario.

Before even a tear falls out of his eyes and Erwin sees it, he hurriedly stood up and tried to leave the room not caring if he ruins the floor with how hard he drags the chair in the process. But as he walks to the door Erwin calls out weakly. 

“Wait Levi, come back. Please don’t leave yet. I know you just realized we’ve met before...”

He begrudgingly does, but not without almost shouting, ”This ain’t fucking fair! Do you how painful this is for me, Erwin!? How we could’ve remembered a long time ago but only happened now of all goddamn times? Fuck!—”

“I know. I was hoping it will never happen, after you showing signs of never remembering. Please forgive me.”

“It’s not your fault though. Life just decided to screw us over and it’s not fair.” He said, softer as he plopped himself back on the chair. 

“I know. But I’m still sorry this has to happen right now, of all times. I hope you will not be angry at yourself, it’s not your fault either.” Erwin smiles sadly at him. He tries so hard not to cry.

“Erwin, I—“

A nurse interrupts and knocks on the door slowly. “Sorry but visiting hours are over. Mr. Smith needs to get some rest.” He almost curses at the nurse but he manages to stop himself. What if he doesn’t have the chance to visit Erwin again? What if Erwin... No, he stops thinking about it and sulkily stands up.

“Erwin, you need to get better, okay? We still have a lot of stuff to talk about. Maybe if you feel real better, we’ll take that trip that you wanted to go to okay? Get some rest old man.” He gave the older man a hug before he leaves. 

“Okay Levi. Please take care on your way home.” He says as the nurse tries to get him settled down.

He left his car keys with Hange and takes a cab home, too overwhelmed to drive. 

He still cannot fucking process what just happened. All the memories are bursting out like a broken tap the second Erwin says the exact lines he said in Shiganshina. He even remembers Hange from their previous life. It feels so fucked up, knowing not-quite-close people in this life that he shared basically his whole life in a far away past. No wonder why he feels comfortable with some of the residents, Hange, and Erwin. 

Erwin. The person he loved more than himself and gave his whole life to. Now reincarnated as an old dying man he can’t even still say what he wanted to tell him ages ago. Even though he doesn’t believe in any celestial being (he’s been fucked over too many times to believe in one), he prays to a random one hoping that Erwin will feel better so that they can finally talk and reminisce the good old times and sort out their feelings that they’ve been wanting to say but had to hold back because of their fucked up situation.

———————————————

Erwin died alone at 6:01 am. He died in his sleep.

Levi got a call from Hange four hours later. 

He officially hates life. 

Life is a fucking bitch if it tries to ruin him twice by the same manner. He angrily wonders if he punched a god in the dick to deserve this atrocity.

That week passes like a blur, between shots of hard alcohol and puffs of smoke and drugs. He just wants to sleep and forget. He’s been living his life normally (finally) and life throws a curveball at him and he honestly has no clue what to do.

So he just sleeps.

————————————————

He’s driving alongside a wide flower field on a bright and sunny day. 

A younger Erwin is sitting right beside him, the gentle breeze ruffling his perfectly groomed hair. The blond sings along to the pop tunes playing on the radio. He hums along with him and laughs loudly when Erwin misses a high note and he just continues to sing anyway. 

They reminisce of their life in the past and both are thankful they have this special peaceful moment to themselves. They remember their friends and wish that they’re doing alright in a parallel world somewhere. 

They stop when they see a lake with a very scenic view and decide to take a walk around.

They catch up and tell each other more stories while holding hands and taking in the surroundings. They go around and crack jokes and tease each other, picking flowers from the field. Levi makes a pretty crown for Erwin and Erwin tries to make one too, but fails. Levi helps him and they eat lunch that Levi prepared after that. They feed the ducks swimming on the lake with the breadcrumbs from their sandwiches, their bare feet touching the water. They stare serenely at the clear waters until Erwin coughs and stands up.

“You know Levi, I never got to tell you something...” Erwin pauses and blushes.

“Yeah, me too blondie. But you can go first.” He replied, smiling.

“Levi, I—“

—————————————————-

He wakes up after what seems like years, feeling nothing.

He remembers dreaming, but does not remember what it was.

He sluggishly gets up and carelessly moves alcohol cans and bottles and cigarette butts out of his bed and check his phone. Dead. Of course.  
He plugs it to charge and waits for it to turn on. Fifty five messages and thirty two missed calls. An email from the volunteer coordinator asking if he’s okay and he can take a break if he needs to. Delete.

Five of the text messages were from Hange.

“Levi, please tell me you’re okay. You know you can always talk to me, right?”

“Levi, the residents in the exercise class are worried about you. You don’t have to go back soon, but if you want me to pass a message for them just lemme know!”

“Levi, please message me back, just a dot or a comma will be fine just so I know not to kick your house door open lol”

“Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I still have your car what do I dooooooooooooooo”

“Levi, please reply when you see this message. Erwin asked me to give you something.”

Erwin. 

Erwin—

“I’ll be there in an hour. Meet me by the front parking, I’ll text you when I’m near. Thanks.”

_________________________

“Levi—” 

“What did he ask you to give to me?” He asks, straight to the point. He honestly just wants to go back home and sleep, preferably forever. 

“Um. Uh, he left you a letter. Here you go.” He quickly snatched the paper the care aid was holding. It reads:

Dear Levi,

By the time you read this, I will most likely be in a place where you and I will never meet ever again. Please try not to be sad because it pains me to know that when I leave this earth, you will be left with all our newly-discovered memories, all these emotions that after so long will be for nothing because neither of us can convey to each other because by then I will be gone. I hope you can forget and pretend all of this did not happen (which is unlikely; I saw that look in your eyes and I instantly knew that you remember. But please try to forget me, I implore you, Levi. I do not wish for you to suffer, more than you already have.) However, in my last moments I regretted not being able to say the words I wanted to say, lifetimes ago.

Yes, all along I remembered our past life when we were fighting giant human-eating creatures and just trying to protect people enclosed in walls while trying to find out the mystery that always left more questions than answers after we discover them. But I always thought if I try to tell you, you would have just laughed at me and told me I was getting senile (I mean I was an old man, so I will not be surprised if that was the case). And that is the reason why I wrote you this letter (I truly appreciate Hange helping me getting this letter to you and I am also grateful to you! Thank you for teaching me the ways of modern technology, “LOL”. I hope I used that acronym in the right context?). 

I also remember every moment we shared when we were in that hellish place. Even though we did not get along at first, you never fail to make it worthwhile; you made me forget what kind of world we lived in. From the late nights where we have shared our stories to the early mornings where we have our own quiet moments to ourselves as if we did not have titans to slaughter and all the little but equally important times in between. You made me realize that if I did not find you underground on that fateful day, I literally would just have lived the rest of my life in such a lifeless and dull way. I cannot even imagine a different scenario wherein we did not meet, it is impossible to do so. 

What I’m trying to say is, I... thank you for everything you have done for me, in this time and in the past. Thank you for helping me understand the meaning of contentment. Thank you for being with me all this time, past life and this one. Even as an old man, you stuck with me and made my final days better (Imagine being stuck in this boring institution teaching me how to use a computer? You are a saint for having such a huge amount of patience dealing with me!). You helped me feel that peace and happiness that I would never have known if I had not met you. Your humour, your cute mannerisms, your bravery and strength, your caring tendencies with me. All of you I adore and cherish in a secret place in my heart. Thank you for loving me even though it was hard to love someone like me.

I still feel your warmth and your lips on my skin as if it was yesterday. I remember your harsh but caring words to remind me that I still need to do human being things when I thought being Commander meant I needed to act like an emotionless machine. You made me feel alive, over and over again, every time you showed me how it means to be someone’s whole world. 

I apologize if I was being selfish. I wish I could be with you longer (and perhaps your age, so no one in the centre would look at us funnily) and return all the love that you gave me. You had to entertain this old geezer’s whims and I hope I did not annoy you too much with my “old fart tendencies”. And most of all, I am sorry for breaking your heart. I will understand if you hold a grudge and forget about me out of spite. (I love seeing your grumpy face, please do not get mad at me for saying that.)

Please listen to this old man’s dying wishes (I’m already dead but whatever). I want to you to find happiness, preferably without thinking about me after reading this letter. Go find someone (or something) that will make you live your life to the fullest. I do not want you to think about the what-ifs and our past life; this is a different lifetime. It would be nice though if you remember to visit my grave once in a while and bring me some flowers. Actually no, do not ever visit me please, for your sake. Just know that if we’re lucky enough to meet again someday, I would do everything just to see you again. But for now, please live your life with no regrets and when i see you again, we can have that “road trip” you wanted to take with me and we can talk about everything we wanted to talk about all year long. For now, we wait until our paths cross again.

Good bye for now, Levi. 

With all my love,

Erwin.

P.S. I hope I didn’t bore you with my lengthy letter. 

P.P.S. I regret nothing. I was glad I was able to find you in my last days. Even for a moment you made me whole again.

P.P.P.S. Please throw this away after you read this, so you don’t have to be tempted and read this again from time to time, okay? (Forget. Me.)

P.P.P.P.S. Tell Hange she’s doing a great job! And you too, I know you always take care of others even if it’s not obvious. Please take time to take care of yourself as well. 

P.P.P.P.P.S. I love you so much. 

————————————

“Hange.”

“Yes?”

He paused for a while, wiping his tears. “Erwin said to keep up the good work.”

“Oh. Thanks. Er. Yeah.” It’s painful watching them trying to come up with a proper response and failing.

“After your shift, can you please help me find a place where I can scream and not get arrested? Then find a place where they sell morning glories.”

“Oh! Yessiree that I can do! I’ll see you later okay?”

“Yep, I’ll wait around. See ya.”

“I’ll see you next time, Erwin.”

-The End

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd made this far, congratulations for reading this despite being unbeta'ed lol (is a big mess, like it also went from zero to a hundred real quick so I might edit and proofread some other time...)
> 
> You can catch me lurking at Twitter @Yukinotama13. :)


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